I WANNA SAUSAGE ROLL ALL NIGHT (AND PARTY EVERY DAY)
I have to eat a sausage roll today and I'm freaking right the fuck out.
Frequent readers of this blog will probably know (because I
don’t stop banging on about it), since my weight loss surgery, I’ve developed a
fear of some foods. I’m seeing a psychologist and things have been going
great, until now. My anxiety is increasing with the thought of having to
eat this pissing sausage roll… and I know how much of a hardship it sounds,
I’ve already had people say ‘I’ll do it for you’, and yes it does make me smile
the 93rd time I hear it, part of me is thinking ‘if you could please, that’d be
I’ve been rather jolly and joking about the fact that I am
having to eat a sausage roll in a medical setting, but as the day draws closer,
I’m not finding it quite so funny
My psychologist and me are working using something called
Graded Exposure Therapy (minds OUT of the gutter please). So far we’ve
ranked the foods I’m scared of hierarchically with the most feared
(bread/pizza/doughnuts) at the top of the list and the least feared (pastry) at
the bottom and all the stages (fruit/veg, rice, pasta etc.) in between.
I’d been so blasé with the psychologist about it, I thought I’d be fine, but
now as the day draws ever near (I’d convinced myself it was actually NEXT
Friday) the familiar anxiety beats kick in; racing thoughts, palpitations,
inability to sit still, fidgeting. They’re not as pronounced as they once
were, and if I can’t sleep, my brain STILL makes me recite the cooking in
prison scene from Goodfellas. So we’ll see what 2pm holds, I guess.
In other news, I’ve been back at work now for three
weeks (two weeks of half days, almost one of full) and I’ve gotten on okay
(other than a bit of a blip last week when on top of all the changes made in my
absence –staff changes, management changes etc. – I had a bit of a kick off and
almost left because of another change that they dropped on me).
It’s good to be back in a routine, to have something to get up and go out
for. My colleagues have all been brilliant too, trying to compliment me
on my weight loss (I don’t take compliments well so I try to fire back a
self-derogatory remark because it’s an automatic defence mechanism I’ve
developed over my life), asking how I’m getting on and genuinely giving a shit
about me and the state of my mental health which is extremely
encouraging. Some people are scared to discuss mental health at work, but
I absolutely advocate it. A simple ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘Are you
okay?’ could make the world of difference.