Her second spell in hospital was longer and a bit more serious; she’d had a massive bowel infection and they discovered she has COPD (Chronic obstructivepulmonary disease). It was terrifying because I couldn’t be with her, so I was calling every day. It was the closest I’d gotten to losing her, and it probably wasn’t even THAT close. I think it was the helplessness, I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t visit her or anything due to the sheer distance.
A phone call to my GP helped; I told her everything and she was reassuring. The fact that by February, I’d already accumulated a years’ worth of bullshit and it had broken me. I was worrying about fucking everything up with friends and family by being so anxious and depressed, relying on alcohol to help me through (bad idea – I potentially ruined relationships and friendships this way).
But I began to get through it, slowly but surely, the spontaneous tears stopped. The feelings of despair began to subside. Things were going a okay in Tara World….things were looking up….
Oh, hello Covid-19. Let me clarify, I don’t have it but I’m terrified. The only thing about this whole situation is that virtually everyone is in the same shitty rust covered boat, if you can take any solace from that? We’re all now living in some weird dystopian time where we’re having to practice social distancing (some of us better than others), working from home is the norm for most people (quite how you all don’t just spend the day wanking, I’ll never know). But no social interaction aside from with the people you’re living with (bad luck, David). I have friends who live alone and who haven’t seen another soul for two weeks, how isolating is that? How much must that affect your mental health? I mean, I’m upset because I can’t visit my folks and they’re not tech savvy enough to have WhatsApp or Zoom or whatever else platform you use where you can facetime people. But I’m lucky because they’re both still here. People who have the big Coro V are dying alone because they can’t have visitors. Imagine dying scared and alone…its gut wrenching to think about.
The world is a fucked-up place right now. Writing is useful for me to get all the crap out of my head and into my shitty little blog where I appear to be full of my own self-importance. Well, buster, it’s my blog and I can post whatever the hell I like. It’s heartening that in this unprecedented time that MOST people are being decent and caring, a lot are being cunts and attacking key workers or spitting at people, or just going out and about like fuck all is happening. And those who don’t social distance, don’t get me started. I’d love to think that when all this is done and dusted, society will be a brighter, nicer place, but the pessimist in me says it won’t. People will go back to their own selfish ways…I hope I’m proved wrong.
1995 - 2020
Always remembered, forever loved