Anyway, I got some photos with some Nightmare on Elm Street stars, Rod Lane from NOES 1 (Jsu Garcia) and Roland Kincaid from NOES 3 (Ken Sagoes) (paid for) and some pals took some snaps of us too. And then I saw the photos, and I could have wept. I look utterly horrendous in every single one. I’m the size of a juvenile elephant, my face looks utterly ridiculous, I have about five chins and that weird top lip disappearing smile that always makes my teeth look more prominent than they are. This is why I haven’t posted any of the pics up. Even the ones I’ve paid for. Even the one of me with Jsu Garcia AND Ken Sagoes (a photo op I’ll never get again) because of how I look.
Regular readers of this blog will know that I have major hang ups about my appearance, most noticeably my weight and then my actual physical appearance. I thought I’d come to terms with the fact that I could look pretty at times, and hell, I even wore a bikini and posted it on the internet…I think that was more the prosecco though than me. These photos from the horror con kicked off something in my brain which, coupled with a few other things, caused me to have a bit of a meltdown over the last weekend.
Writing about how I’m feeling is one of my main coping mechanisms. It’s cathartic. And I might overshare at times, but I’d rather do that than have all my feelings and emotions bottled up, ready to unexpectedly spill. Folk call me brave for writing, I’m not. I’m just sharing experiences I’ve had, that others might have had, so that maybe one other person can read it and know that other people get anxiety and depression.
I’ve always been an advocate for speaking about my mental health; and I will continue to be. I’m aware that others feel they can’t speak about it which is sad. This is a conversation that we need to have, we need it to grow above just a hubbub; it needs to be a loud and angry conversation. Mental health services are getting slashed by the government (and previous governments). Mental health charities and other charity helplines are getting inundated with referrals, letters, emails, telephone calls from people suffering because there’s no mental health service near them, or that it’s been so slashed to the bone, they can’t get an appointment.
It’s not shameful to have a mental health issue. We need to feel comfortable to speak about it.