Blimey. It’s a while. Tara’s blog of despair and anxiety. Here’s more rambling on anyway…
So, as some of you know (mainly folk I have on Facebook) 2014 has not yet turned out to be The International Year of Tara Court as I predicted in my final blog post of 2013. In fact, the first three weeks saw me plunged into more work based drama and despair. The Union got involved and all kinds. And I’m still not really free of it as there’s one issue that’s still rumbling on. But do you know what I learned? I learned not to care. I learned to not give one single flying fuck about it all because, quite simply put, there’s more to life.
Yeah I had meetings where I had been in floods of tears and had had to ask them to leave the room instead of just sitting and watch me break down.
I’ve also had meetings where I’ve been berated for the most insignificant thing that if I told you, you’d go ‘What the fuck? Are you kidding?’ (to which I’d go ‘I know right. Fucking STUPID’). And all through it, my resolve was getting stronger and stronger until I’ve now got to the point where nothing really matters where this is concerned anymore. If only I’d felt this way back at the start of my depressive episode in February of last year…to be able to laugh at the ridiculousness of some situations, but then I guess everything we go through in life we learn from.
I learned from that last depressive episode that I absolutely do deserve my place on this earth. Yeah, I might still have self esteem issues and be hung up about how I look and my weight etc, but that’s what the human race do. We’re never happy with how we are and are always seeking to look and change ourselves in some small way (dyeing our hair) or some big way (changing jobs, retraining, getting surgery because you’ve never liked your nose). Sure, I’m not necessarily comfortable in my own skin, but I’m coming to terms with being comfortable with who I am. And how I am. And my funny ways that wind up the people I love.
It was said to me last week by someone that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to claw your way back up, and in some respects this is quite true, although given that this was one ofthem who gave me a hard time over the past six months (the one who decided I didn’t need my psychology sessions anymore), I declined take it the way that this person had intended it. But in my anxiety and despair, my suicidal feelings, the whole blackness of my condition, I’m hoping I’m clawing my way back up, cos I’m sure I hit rock bottom… I had to have…there can’t be anything more.