March was by far the longest month of
everyone’s life. I was already having a
shitty 2020, even before the big Coro V showed up. David and I were unable to start IVF because
some of my stupid hormone levels were too high.
That hurt, as we’d been waiting so long to begin. Then the death of my cousin’s daughter, aged
24, Beautiful Sarah, attending her funeral in Dublin and seeing her heartbroken
friends and my heartbroken family. Then
my mam was hospitalised twice whilst still in Dublin, first time with broken
ribs from a fall. I spent my last day in
Dublin with her in A&E in the Mater hospital and it hurt having to leave
her for the airport. She looked so tiny
and frail and scared.
Her second spell in hospital was
longer and a bit more serious; she’d had a massive bowel infection and they
discovered she has COPD (Chronic obstructivepulmonary disease). It was
terrifying because I couldn’t be with her, so I was calling every day. It was the closest I’d gotten to losing her,
and it probably wasn’t even THAT close.
I think it was the helplessness, I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t visit
her or anything due to the sheer distance.
On top of that, I’d had a falling out
on a very public forum with a family member where I was made to feel like utter
shit by a single comment. I was on the
precipice of a massive spiral down into my Dark Place. My alter ego, Cunt Face lives there. She’ll tell me I’m no good, she’ll tell me
I’m worthless, and most crucially, she’ll tell me that if I kill myself, no one
will miss me. And although I was at the
top of the spiral, she shouted loud enough that no one would miss me and that I
should probably kill myself.
I contemplated it for a day or two,
I’ll be honest. My constant misery made
me hell to live with, spontaneously bursting into tears wherever I went. I just wanted it all to stop, all my feelings
needed to just fuck off.
A phone call to my GP helped; I told
her everything and she was reassuring.
The fact that by February, I’d already accumulated a years’ worth of
bullshit and it had broken me. I was
worrying about fucking everything up with friends and family by being so
anxious and depressed, relying on alcohol to help me through (bad idea – I
potentially ruined relationships and friendships this way).
But I began to get through it, slowly
but surely, the spontaneous tears stopped.
The feelings of despair began to subside. Things were going a okay in Tara
World….things were looking up….
Oh, hello Covid-19. Let me clarify, I don’t have it but I’m terrified. The only thing about this whole situation is
that virtually everyone is in the same shitty rust covered boat, if you can
take any solace from that? We’re all now
living in some weird dystopian time where we’re having to practice social
distancing (some of us better than others), working from home is the norm for
most people (quite how you all don’t just spend the day wanking, I’ll never
know). But no social interaction aside
from with the people you’re living with (bad luck, David). I have friends who live alone and who haven’t
seen another soul for two weeks, how isolating is that? How much must that affect your mental
health? I mean, I’m upset because I
can’t visit my folks and they’re not tech savvy enough to have WhatsApp or Zoom
or whatever else platform you use where you can facetime people. But I’m lucky because they’re both still
here. People who have the big Coro V are
dying alone because they can’t have visitors.
Imagine dying scared and alone…its gut wrenching to think about.
The world is a fucked-up place right
now. Writing is useful for me to get all
the crap out of my head and into my shitty little blog where I appear to be
full of my own self-importance. Well,
buster, it’s my blog and I can post whatever the hell I like. It’s heartening that in this unprecedented
time that MOST people are being decent and caring, a lot are being cunts and
attacking key workers or spitting at people, or just going out and about like
fuck all is happening. And those who
don’t social distance, don’t get me started.
I’d love to think that when all this is done and dusted, society will be
a brighter, nicer place, but the pessimist in me says it won’t. People will go back to their own selfish
ways…I hope I’m proved wrong.
Sarah Maguire
1995 - 2020
Always remembered, forever loved
💔
