Blogging has really helped me through this period in my life. I genuinely hadn't expected to have a meltdown surrounding my surgery, didn't even consider it, let alone develop food phobias that have effectively put me on the eating disorders spectrum (according to my GP anyway).
I'm always very honest and open in my blog; I wear my heart on my sleeve and (just to use another old cliche) my life is pretty much an open book. I had to blog for the sake of my sanity. It's cathartic for me to do so.
But, yes, back to work on Friday 12 Jan. It's a phased return so I should be back to full duties the first week of February or so. Of course I'm anxious about going back, the team has changed significantly (three members of staff resigned, one was dismissed), leaving the office resembling the Mary Celeste. But one thing I know I can do is to only do the work I can, I shan't be stressing myself out about work because that way another breakdown lies. I've learned to leave work at work (and I know I'm lucky to be in a position where I can do just that). I have to look out for ME now, I'm quite good at neglecting me and focussing on others or other things, but if I don't look out for me now, then who else will? That isn't to say that the support I've received over these six months hasn't been phenomenal with special thanks going to David, my mam and the rest of the family and of course my friends. But I know the signs of my mental health going down and so I must keep an eye on that and I'm the best person to do that (I think anyway).To assist my return to work, I've written an email to my manager and asked her to disseminate it to the department. Essentially it's a polite request that folk don't ask me about my surgery or how much weight I've lost (yes, I know I've been blogging about it, but that's different in so far as the readers of this blog won't be all up in my grill asking me if I can't eat cakes anymore or why I'm frightened of pasta). If I want people to know, I'll tell them. This is purely an exercise in self preservation.
I'm so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life (in my real life and the internet world) who have been so caring and although I realise my fears surrounding food and vomiting are difficult to understand, thanks for not being dicks about it. You've all showed me some support in some way or another and that means the absolute world to me.
I'll continue blogging about stuff, especially as my BMI is low enough for us to begin IVF (have to wait til May for another appointment and there'll be discussion surrounding whether my innards have healed well enough etc.) but I'm actually quite hopeful, and I try to not be hopeful for anything because I tend to get let down (eternal pessimist, just call me Eeyore) but maybe this will be a Good Year.
