Monday 21 June 2021

Dealing with Father's Day

So it was Father's day yesterday, a day to celebrate your da or if you choose not to, that's cool.  Earlier this week David received an invoice for the stored spermcicles from our failed IVF attempt in December.  This was out of the blue and it threw him, so he telephoned me at work to let me know.  He was sobbing a little and I started to cry too.  Then he apologised and said he shouldn't have but the pain is both ours so we needed to share it.

Mother's day was difficult for me this year, where I'd hoped to be pregnant with our warrior queens Juno and Hera, or at least one child, it wasn't to be.  So to see everyone celebrating Mother's day with gifts from their kids (I'm lucky enough to still have my mam so I celebrated her).  But I yearned for a Mother's day card from the bump (I'd never thought I'd ever want one of those cards and if David had got me one, I'd probably have taken the piss truth be told but secretly loved it.  Now I can't have one, it hurts).


I can only assume what I felt on Mother's day is what David felt yesterday. 


And then last night, I couldn't get to sleep because all that was going around my head is the fact that we will never have a child that is biologically ours, we'll never see what our genes smashed together would create.  Definitely blue eyes, but blonde or red hair?  Freckles?  Slightly sticking our ears?  Would they need to wear glasses?  What would their personality be like?  Fiery like me or quiet like David?


I don't know why I'm writing this; probably catharsis, but receiving the invoice for something that wasn't to be hit us both hard.  I'm still not emotionally over our IVF failure, I'm a little better.  David seems to handle things better, but sometimes at night, we have a little weep over what wasn't to be.


We're still taking a break from anything child related, aside from meeting friend's new children or seeing friends other kids.  And they're always an absolute delight to be around which can make it bittersweet.  We'd be incredible parents, I know we would.  And I know there's still time with adoption, but for now, we need to concentrate on us and rebuilding Tara and David as a couple before IVF came in, windmilling its arms and kicking its legs, battering us.

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